About MAGIC WOOL

AUTHOR BIO: Christina Oxenberg is an award winning author with many published books, a weekly blog and a large loyal readership. Oxenberg was badly educated at too many schools to bother listing, including one highly suspect institution where poker was on the curriculum. School was mostly in England but also Spain, and New York City and the Colorado Rocky Mountains, if only to finish with a flourish. There would be no University. Instead Oxenberg went directly to Studio 54 where she was hired in a Public Relations capacity. This was the 'gateway drug' that introduced her to everyone and everything she would ever need for the rest of her life. A Pandora’s Box to be used with great care. The culmination, to date, is a heap of published books, a great deal of wonderful experiences including five magical years in Southern Colombia (not a hostage). Throughout her adventures Oxenberg always wrote. www.wooldomination.com ❤︎ All books available on Amazom.com

Not About Alec Baldwin

I was scheduled to get on a plane yesterday, for New York City. I was expected for dinner with a Greek tycoon, a movie producer and the actor Alec Baldwin.

All day I kept looking at the time, keeping pace with what needed doing. I should pack now, I thought and I took some teeshirts off hangers and placed them on a chair. I should buy that ticket now, I thought next. But it was not yet noon and my flight was at four o’clock, so I went for a bike ride, along the esplanade with the ravishing view of the ocean.

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Unit Two

Disastrously, the landlord is upping my rent by a fortune. He claims he has a valid airtight excuse for this outrageousness. I disagree.

Initially, I clung to the idea of staying, and to that end I wrote him a scorcher of a letter. Thankfully, I sent this to someone else. Her advice was to sleep on it. Sure enough, the next morning, in the gentle light of day, I trashed the rant, realizing it’s simply time to move on.

Bubbling with resentment I fired up Craigslist. Sighing loudly I clicked on ‘for rent’ and drifted across the listings, making notes and phone calls. The response was invariably, ‘Sorry, I rented the place yesterday’.

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Bike Week

Florida’s southernmost Key had been overrun by bikers. It is Bike Week, and for three days and nights I have heard the growling rumble of the motorcycles as they headed south, to downtown Key West. I had to go look. Lined up along both sides of Duval Street were rockets and choppers of all colors and engineering-defying shapes, and all around milled men in jeans and chunky boots and leather waistcoats with patches declaring allegiance to this or that motorcycle club. A great deal of visible skin was festooned with tattoo art. And everywhere I looked there was a great deal of skin on display. Mostly from the biker molls, many of whom had stopped in at the ‘body paint’ booth of a maestro, a ponytailed man wielding a spray gun. The molls fearlessly whipped off their tops and had their chests painted with trompe l’oeil, so that once more they appeared dressed, until a breast slung into profile, and the give away was a cheeky nipple.

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Milkshake and Sardines

The Monday night prison visits continue, agreeably.

So far I have given out two assignments. The first was to write about a feeling, any feeling. For the second exercise I asked them to write something that would make themselves, and their audience, laugh.

The unforeseen obstacle to this assignment was, in the words of one lady, “I can’t write this stuff down. It would be like writing a confession.” And the room erupted with laughter as everyone agreed on the folly of putting it all in black and white.

One lady told of a time when, “The husband and I were drunk,” she began, “because that’s what we did with our afternoons. So we’re watching this man hitching his boat to a shiny new truck, and when he walked away the husband and I crept over and unhitched the boat and dragged it a few slips away, out of sight. When the man came back he was looking all around, and we’re trying not to explode laughing. Then he went away a second time, and the husband and I got into the truck with the empty trailer and drove it around a corner. The man came back and totally freaked out. We’re pissing ourselves. The man went away again and returned with a gang of police, but we had already put back the truck and the boat. Like nothing ever happened. The police listened to this ranting man, and gave him a Breathalyzer!” She had to wipe tears of joy from her eyes.

Another lady recounted a time when she and two friends found themselves stiflingly bored. Sitting in a pickup truck, in a parking lot, with bags of snacks, but nothing much to do. And that’s when one of them noticed a man asleep in a car, conveniently with all the windows rolled down. They approached in a stealthy drive-by, and when they were on top of the dozing man they hurled everything they had onto him. Before they could speed away he was awake, and stunned into inaction, he simply lay there, sprawled with dripping milkshake and sardines stuck to him.

The storyteller got a round of applause but the mood in the room deflated when she said, “I was in ‘lock’ (solitary) for the past three weeks. I wrote everyday, but it wasn’t humorous stuff.”

I asked her to read something from those pages, providing she felt like it. Which she did, here is her essay:

NO MORE
Sitting in here shaking my head, asking myself why do I put myself through hell.
‘cause the past four years it seems like I keep doing the same damn thing, waking up in a jail cell.
They say when you hit rock bottom you’ll know ‘cause there’s no coming up ‘till you’re ready.
Makes me wanna go back to when you was a kid, giving kisses and hugs before you went to your bed, left with nothing but your teddy.
Knowing this ain’t how I should be livin’, and I’m trying everyday to be the person I was made.
‘cause as long as I wake up in these fuck ass jails, I ain’t doing nothing but watching my life slowly fade.

by, ‘Milkshake and Sardines’

Wild Life

The perils of south Florida are being neatly dispatched. First, there was the life threatening weather that never materialized and second, Mr. Snake vanished. I noticed he had not appeared in quite some time, and in the loosest sense I missed him, worried what had become of him.

All summer long, everywhere I looked, my eye was tricked by shade, by a section of garden hose, by a benign frond, and I jumped in place and visualized the quick moving beast looping up my bare legs, puncturing my jugular with a well placed fang. I could feel him on me in every swish of innocent leaves. I was hyper aware of his not coming around because for a time I was waiting for him, like an assassin, ready to implement whatever permanent damage I could muster.
I had petitioned everyone I know for ways to handle this intruder. Smack it with a shovel, make friends with it, feed it, ignore it, give it a name, were just some of the extraordinarily lame suggestions flung my way. One friend counseled, “Don’t be such a weenie! It’s a rat snake, they eat rats. Just don’t step on it.” Reluctantly, and fully creeped out, I cleared the heaps of fallen leaves and the mounds of squishy balls that continually thunder down from a sweet almond tree. The best suggestion came from my mother, HRH Princess Elizabeth Karageorgevic, who spent a good portion of her childhood in Kenya. “Easy! Get a mongoose,” she advised. “I had a pet mongoose when I was a child, and they love to eat snakes.”

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Booty

The storms of Key West, historically speaking, were a time of great booty. A storm might take down a galleon stuffed to the gills with treasure. Wreckers and pirates and all manner of opportunists only had to sit back and wait, and let nature do her thing. The benefactors of the plunder made a killing and in its heyday Key West was the wealthiest city in America.

All week there has been unrest as locals took seriously the weather reports of hurricane warnings. Friends urged: get supplies, get prepared. I’ve heard about these storms and I’m perversely excited to see what all the fuss is about. But just in case, off I went to purchase the batteries, flashlights, crackers, water and anti-looter spray I’m assured I will need.

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Orientation

In order for me to regularly visit the jail I had to pass a background check, sign and initial paperwork and partake of ‘Volunteer Orientation’, a meeting where the prison rules and regulations were explained.

I arrived early one afternoon and waited in a main lobby and watched flustered kin squabbling over bail money while other visitors lined up at the metal detector, patted down by bored-looking officers.
A door in the corner of the big room burst open.
“Anyone for Orientation?” said a tiny lady.
I put up my hand and hustled for the open door.

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Back to Jail

Last Monday evening I paid my second visit to the ladies in the County lockup. I was saying hello to faces I recognized as twenty of us converged in the class room, dragging the chairs and desks into a circle. Gradually I noticed there were new faces in the room. One new face in particular caught my attention, a tall slim lady with a buzz cut. She definitely was not here last time and yet something about her looked familiar. We all sat down and the lady caught me staring at her and she stared back intently, and then, slowly, her face creased into a frown. I knew I should look away but then her wide blue eyes were popping, and she silently mouthed, “You?’
It was Crystal! Astonished, I nodded my head, and could not suppress a smile. She looked mortified.

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Poetic Justice

When I arrived at the boarding school on the south coast of England I despised it on sight. The building was all redbrick and turrets and wrapped in fog with an incessant wind blustering against windowsills and slamming doors. Inside was dark and infused with vinegar and boiled cabbage.
Luckily I was placed in a dormitory with a girl named Gia, and we became friends. For one thing, she too was an insomniac, and for another we shared grand plans and schemes. Chattering all throughout the nights, covering topics revealing a desire for adventure and excitement, we giggled in between the snores of others, and frequently Matron overheard us and stormed in, caterwauling for “Silence!”

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