Near the Main Street of East Hampton, and under lily white tents one hundred authors of varying repute are seated, democratically in alphabetical order, at white clothed snaking tables. Each author sits before their stack of books and a sweeping audience peruse along, stopping to chat with whomever they like, admire, care to know better, and possibly buy a signed and dedicated book or two or three.
Included were Jay McInerney, Nelson de Mille, A.M. Holmes, Clive Davis, Nile Rodgers, Kitty Kelly, yours truly, and Gwyneth Paltrow…
My brothher recommended I might like this blog. He was totally right.
This post truly made my day. You cann’t imagkne simply how much tiime I had
spent for this info! Thanks!
To the young lady who wants me to sue GP please stay in school young lady!!
I sent you an email through your facebook page. You should take GP to court. You have a very strong case against her. It’s a sure win. I would be happy to help you.
VERY FUNNY READ. Thank you. Thank you.
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Lovely post! I had myself a good laugh, which was the perfect cure for a rather humorless week.
Let me know where your next under-table dining experience will be and I’ll bring chicken and dumplings, meatloaf, and crazy good mashed potatoes, along with a nice bottle of wine.
No GOOP needed for us to have fun!
Hilarious! Why people get so offended and personally attack you is something I do not understand. I have a Gwyneth cookbook but like your style and ability to find some humour in a situation that in a business sense cost you as you could not promote your book effectively due to the circus that inevitable follows celebrity. Rock on! (And visit australia when you can as we get this sort of humour!)
This is utterly hilarious. Your piece made page 9 of the Times over here in England. The wit was not lost on us.
I loved your piece! You had me giggling the whole time! I also appreciated how easily you were able to set the scene. Fantastic! I will look up your books on Amazon!
Christina, you seem to have this page set up so your answer doesn’t appear after the relevant comment. Makes it difficult to follow. But funny blog. Let’s face it, there is something appalling about celebs strutting their stuff on other people’s territory. How would the fragrant Gwyneth feel if someone upstaged her on set, I wonder?
Christina! Finally to find a normal human being amongst the herds of sycophantic, idol worship that the media has fluffed and force fed most of my generation through television. Your story simply makes light of what happens when people lose their sense of oneness with others. People seek lives like Mrs. Paltrow simply b/c they have none. Those of us who do and try to make a small difference just being kind and making light of a bad situation… well, we are not noticed and we never are meant to make a ripple. I will definitely seek out more of your writing, firstly through your blog. Thank you for sharing, it’s better than therapy and it shows the truth of lives behind bodyguards.
i thought this was funny!
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To be honest, I hadn’t had the pleasure of knowing your work before the press regarding this story but after reading this I can’t wait to read the rest of your posts along with your literary renderings. Your post was funny and witty and to all those who didn’t get it, I suggest they find a hobby.
Thanks for this! This made my morning. Both your blog and your snarky remarks had me laughing out loud! My husband was like, “WHAT are you reading?”. You are definitely my kind of woman. I’m going to check out your book — hey! I see you are also a great marketer! Way to squash those lemons!
Although a bit late, I’ll join in to give my two cents on the matter. I’ll start quoting you, Christina: ” I’m a writer, and I write what comes into view”. That’s essentially what writers do: the inspiration leads your work, which usually comes out from the writer’s experience and observation of events in the daily life.
Neither do I have any interest about what Mrs Paltrow ‘writes’, which seems to be addressed to further impulse the latest trend or fashion (now we have to recall Oscar Wilde stated on fashion: an intolerable form of ugliness that has to be changed every six months) whatever she does intend to PROMOTE (sorry for the capitals, used for emphasis purposes). I don’t consider her to be a writer or author of some sort. What she does is certainly legal and, you know, if there are two willing parts… However I get somewhat annoyed at the fact that people gives too much consideration to the product, as if it were more valuable or useful because it’s written by a celebrity. I’m not implying that all celebrities cannot write a decent product, but, still….It’s a supply and demand kind of thing. Not my cup of tea. If there’s interest on a subject, then it’s better to go directly to the work of an specialist, but then, there won’t be a flashy event with pushing bodyguards and all that jazz. I’ll pass, mind you.
I supremely adore you! Where are you on twitter so may follow! This was hilarious! I am so not a fan of The Idiot and exceptionally glad she no longer ‘acts’. Sadly her husband continues to…sing? Whatever.
My new mission is to absorb everything you’ve ever written and laugh my ass off. In the end, I think you said what people have been saying behind The Idiot’s back for years. At least you were having fun with your experience.
Screw the haters! They’re probably starving from that awful
Vegan/self loathing diet and have a pissy outlook anyway.
Thanks, Christina. Your story was a kick and the subsequent ” call and response ” hilarious. I think we were separated at birth. Now, I must go wipe off the screen to my tablet and make a mental note not to consume beverages when I read your work.
I have not heard of you until now but based alone on this entry into your blog you are now my new favorite author. I plan to buy a book immediately. Thank you!
Vengeance by under-the-table mini-burgers – perfect! I adore your description of this quintessential East Hampton event. Spare though it is, you capture the essence of the place in the few details you choose to include – the lily white tents with white clothed tables snaking through them, the democratic but inflexible alphabetical seating arrangement for authors, and the flatly grim response to attempts at humor. Ah, another fun night with the hoi polloi in NY! I’m sure glad you had your friends to make it a REAL party.
As for GP – does one really need a cookbook to eat a vegan diet? — and of course GP can be virtuously vegan; she travels with two large,seemingly brainless, beef cattle on-the-hoof everywhere she goes.
Great piece of writing – thanks!
This post made me laugh right out. I “get” it, I loved it, I’m going to read some more. I, too, have no personal vendetta against the monarch you mention, but I do so enjoy someone taking a poke at someone so vaunted as she, just from time to time. Thanks for being snarky and fun. I will read more to find out, but I’m guessing your sense of humor and writing style is one of those separators of people…I like that.
It’s not you; it’s the way your blog was quoted.
These people read a piece that called GP a “nightmare” to sit next to. That piece missed the humor too, and then linked to this blog.
I also did think, “Bitterly jealous, much?”, and coming here and finding a response to almost every bit of criticism–all on the same day, like someone in dear need of lithium–didn’t help things. Until I actually read the whole story. Quite funny, with a clear hint of self deprecation that doesn’t shine on the bits and pieces that were quoted.
Well, done! What a number of humorless toads commenting here, though. Many may well be part of the mob that came to a book signing to gawk at a celebrity hawking a cookbook. I suppose GP is a prisoner of her celebrity and craves to be part of normal life. The problem is that her work in the entertainment industry has turned her into a commodity, which she’s trading on by publishing this book under her name.
loving it! unfortuneately cannot view the comments by apparent dunces that your are replying to
I really want to read your book, “Life Is Short”, after reading this post. You are a riot!
I absolutely love this! You’re my new hero! Totally pimping out your blog to all my friends! LOVE IT!!
This is great! It’s obvious you were just having fun and I think if Gwyneth read it, she might have a laugh as well. This is a lighthearted post that shouldn’t be taken so seriously. I love how you are ignoring the haters. You’re not apologizing for being you! Quite a role model. I’m going to subscribe to your blog. Keep it up!
Hilarious and refreshingly blunt! I will most definitely check-out more of your work!
LOL. your responses to comments are even better.
your tiny memoir was delightful. i enjoy gwyneth — from afar. it’s why i subscribe to GOOP. i love the wonderful way she has created her own reality, and peoples it with sparkly and plush things. thank you for another elusive, brief insight into that world. i hope the meat was DELICIOUS.
Laughter is the goal here. Pure and simple. Thanks. I write a blog every Sunday WOOLDOMINATION.COM
Hope it keeps you tittering!
A hilarious telling of what sounds like a very funny evening, and I really enjoyed your bio, too! Ironically, a story about this incident led me to your blog. Thanks, Gwyneth! Spelling Gwyneth is harder than you think! I run a Meetup for writers in central New Jersey called “Write to Impact the World”, check us out! 🙂 We are all friends who haven’t met yet and ships passing in the night. My sense of humor is one of my better qualities, according to myself and my wife, and I enjoyed your light-hearted retelling of what could easily, I’m sure, have been an infuriating, frustrating event! I look forward to reading more and basking in the vicarious adventures 🙂
Hilarious! Come visit the Tattered Cover in Denver!
Have I told you lately that I just love you?! You truly find the humor in every situation. How snarky of you to gather meat products on your table–that cracked me up. But, as usual, it’s the way you string words together that I truly love: “Due to the inflexibility of the alphabet…”, “…the divinity in question arrived…” and especially “No bites.” You are my word guru.
Have fun stirring up trouble in the Hamptons! But hurry home to Key West.
“…crawl under the table…”? God! Who is she? A Queen of England?
I absolutely loved this, and roared with laughter as you wildly and bravely impersonated Gwyneth for a shocked and sycophantic audience. Hilarious. How on earth can you be responsible for accepting items on the menu made available at the event? She sounds a complete diva. I don’t find her beautiful at all ~ I see her as tailored and well-groomed, and there’s a difference. I like your writing very much, and have missed the “ladies from key Largo ” ~ their writing and their poetry ~ in recent weeks. Send them my best wishes when you next see them xxx Anthea
Absolutely hilarious! Loved it all. I think possibly that Gwyneth was at the Book Fair promoting her latest quirky cookbook.
I am sure you know that GP has lived in London for years and I would often see her walking around St John’s Wood, in North London, where she lived. It pains me to say it, but she always looked utterly beautiful. However, I thought that it was a terrible shame that she deprived herself of anything delicious to eat and that she would look just as gorgeous if she lived on pie and mash and doughnuts. It’s all in the genes with her really.
I can understand why she has decided to return to live in the USA where celebrities are worshipped. In Britain, the media had begun to tire of her flakiness and would often mock the Lovely Swan.
I have decided to follow your example and from now on will introduce myself to everyone as Wesley Snipes and wage war on vegans by eating copious amounts of meat in front of them.
Pip Pip xxxxxxxxxx