I want to die! Can you hear me? I have to tell you what happened to me, before I commit suicide.

Joe Boy thought it would be hilarious to send me his collection of dirty old porn videos. I spread them all over my bed to take a look. It was that porn from the 70s, those cheap looking videos of men with pimples and hair. You know, they were very hairy back then. They were just shocking. And I’m thinking what am I going to do with all of this? I don’t want to watch it. I don’t even get horny. Those days are over. Don’t get me wrong, if my lover ever gets out of jail, well oo la la! Otherwise I am a solitary man. And I don’t care. I have my movies, my soufflés and my cat. Isn’t that right Mr Fat? Silly fat cat!

Do you know we had a snow storm? This morning my car wouldn’t start so I phoned the specialists to come take it away on a flatbed truck. You know how it is with German engineering, I can’t simply hand it over to just anyone, I have to get the most expensive most experienced people around. It’s going to cost a fortune. I’ll have to beg mummy to help with the bill. Ok, so my doorbell is broken and I had to leave the front door open, you know, because I might not hear the mechanics, and they will just leave and they will never come back today. You have to remember I’m in the boonies.

So the front door was open and in flew this adorable tiny owlet, practically right into my arms. Then it went crashing against the ceiling and then up to the second floor, and it was bumping into everything and crying. Oh, I felt so bad for the little guy. Poor creature! I know how to handle birds because I’m a trained expert, I’m certified, but he was just a baby and I don’t have owlet formula on hand so I called the lupine man, I mean the avian man, the bird guy, whatever, anyway I got a hold of him and he said he’d be right over.

Picture this, the car guys are hoisting the Benz, and the bird guy and I are on the landing, sort of outside my bedroom, when, oh my God, who would have thought ninety-four year old Mrs Richardson would climb the stairs in the first place?

And I couldn’t even throw myself on the bed to cover up the videos because I was holding the owlet!

Mrs Baldwin said she wanted something for the church jumble.

And everyone was staring at the porn! And it’s not even my taste!

Oh my God! I want to die! I’m so humiliated! I don’t know what to do with myself. I need a drink! I’m going to drink cognac and watch my favorite movies and then I’ll kill myself.